He asked earnestly.
He asked it for me–not in an accusatory way, as if he was frustrated with me (though my brain might be tempted to believe that at times…).
As I sat next to this friend drinking coffee, he reflected back a pain he heard in my voice and my stories and likely read on my face–this wrestle to be me.
The reality is, we all get feedback at times on who we are–how we act–what we do.
People like some parts and don’t like other parts.
That feedback can be a blessing–can help us see the unrefined parts and with joint conviction from the Holy Spirit, we can be sharpened to be more like Christ.
When we sin.
In our weaknesses, we are blessed when others are bold enough to speak into these spaces.
I want that feedback.
The feedback can also cut–not in a healing way, but in a wounding way.
It’s wielded as a weapon.
Often unwittingly so.
Most people, I do believe, don’t intend to hurt–and yet they do. We do. I do, too.
Am I frustrated being me, sometimes?
The truth is yes.
There are aspects of my personality that are not always well received–and I’m still wondering how much of it is by design and how much of it needs to shift. I’m not confident of that.
But I also have this tendency to prioritize the words of others over the words of God.
When I allow the needs, wants and frustrations of others to dictate things they shouldn’t.
It’s above another human’s pay-grade to tell me who I am or how I should be. It’s above mine to do that to them.
But I do need to sincerely talk to God–
Is this something you are offended by, Lord?
Is this something that doesn’t represent you well?
Is this something that I’m seeing rightly–how do I know?
How do I allow others to speak into it without allowing them to be the final word?
How do I allow you to have the final word?
And will you tell me what that word is?
Please.
As I sat next to this friend, he reminded me of what Paul said in 1st Corinthians 15:10, I am, what I am….
I scoffed at my friend–But that’s PAUL!!!
I laughed and stated, “I wish I had that kind of confidence…”
He said, “I don’t know–do you think Paul was that confident?”
Me: “I mean, he is very bold.”
Friend: “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t all that confident…”
It made me pause and think–when I read scripture, I sometimes forget that the people writing and the people spoken about are real people. They are not characters in a movie–they existed. And they lived humanly–with fears and pressures and emotions and intrusive thoughts and sin and suffering of a variety of kinds. Just like you and me.
The Lord utilized them to inform us about who He is and what He has done from Genesis to Revelation, but they are a ragamuffin crew of people that led in faithful (and sometimes not so faithful) ways.
I forget that sometimes.
I forget that when I write or speak–I often come off more confident than I am. The writing and the speaking is often a part of the journey of me figuring things out. And I often say the true thing before I believe the true thing.
Perhaps that was true about Paul too. Perhaps as God wrapped His hand around Paul’s to pen these words, it was informing Paul as he went, as well.
So I read it again this morning–full scripture below:
1st Corinthians 15:9-10 For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.
I am the least of the apostles….
But by the grace of God, I am what I am….
That’s a reframe.
It was Paul’s humility that made him bold. It was his confidence in the Lord, not in himself, that allowed him to speak so confidently.
This was a man that believed what he preached.
He was fully surrendered and fully dependent on the grace of God–for His salvation and for His use within the family of God.
I think my friend was right–Paul had to have wrestlings with the Lord and within himself–and yet he put his heart and faith and feet firmly on the foundation that does not waiver–Christ.
That is and can be true for me, too.
So, today, I wrestle. And I write and I read and I pray and I cry and I seek to discern how it is to live faithfully.
May I be humble enough to hear the words of others and consider them.
May I be faithful enough to hear the words of others and take them to the Lord to consider them with Him.
May I be honest enough to share my heart with those words–what part hurt? What part do I want to cover over? What part would God say to me too? What part is He sad was said? Would He say it differently?
May I be child-like enough to allow Him to comfort me and speak truth over me.
May I be brave enough to change the parts that are not yet fully sharpened to be like Christ.
May I be bold enough, like Paul, to live within the design God has placed in me for the glory of God and say with confidence, But by the grace of God, I am what I am.
May we all, friends, walk in faithfulness to God as we seek to love one another and be sharpened and changed for the better for the Lord–for His purposes, glory and the building up of the church. Lord, let it be.
Xoxo
Crystal
Sincerely, Crystal 