Voice

I’ve been pondering the concept of voice lately.

I love humor and am a collector of my favorite peoples laughs.  I love to notice what makes someone giggle.  The way their nose wrinkles or the way they throw their head back or the particular sound that escapes their mouth when delight overtakes them.

It’s fun to watch.

It’s fun to listen to.

It’s fun to make happen.

I think about my own voice.

From the time I was little, I have had a very soft voice.

Some would hear it and think I was timid,

Which I am not.

But because it is so soft and subtle, people would assume I am shy.

When I worked in hospitals, sometimes physicians or administrator’s had a hard time taking me seriously. 

When I advocated for things…

When I spoke,

I was easy to pass over. 

Powerful men who are used to booming voices, sometimes have to train their ear to hear the soft things.

I had a client’s mom recently tell me everything about me said play therapist.

My body, my height, my smile, my voice.

I’ve often struggled to appreciate both my body and my voice because of what I felt it held me back from.  But to hear my very being…

My design…

Allowed me to embody what I was born to do…

It made me think maybe God knows what He is doing.

Psalms 139: 13-17

For you formed my inmost being,

You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret,

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book

And ordained for me before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God, how vast is the sum!

It probably seems silly to say maybe God knows what He is doing…

But you feel this way sometimes, right?

You question Him?

You doubt?

Am I the only one?

Back to voices.

In addition to sometimes struggling to believe God,

I also sometimes struggle to speak to Him.

I struggle to believe He hears me.

I struggle to believe He WANTs to.

I struggle to believe He cares.

I struggle to take my pain to Him because I am afraid of HIS voice.

Will it be harsh?

Will it be indifferent?

Will He be silent.

I can’t handle that God.  When I finally take my cares to You, I need You to speak.

A glimpse into God’s voice when we speak to Him…

Psalms 16: 6-19

In my distress I called to the Lord;

I cried to my God for help.

From His temple He heard my voice;

My cry came before Him into His ears.

The earth trembled and quaked,

And the foundations of the mountains shook;

They trembled because He was angry.

Smoke rose from His nostrils;

Consuming fire came from His mouth,

Burning coals blazed out of it.

He parted the heavens and came down;

Dark clouds were under His feet.

He mounted the cherubim and flew;

He soared on the wings of the wind.

He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him—

The dark rain clouds of the sky.

Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced

With hailstones and bolts of lightning.

The Lord thundered from Heaven;

The voice of the Most High resounded.

He shot His arrows and scattered the enemy,

With great bolts of lightning He routed them.

The valleys of the sea were exposed

And the foundations of the earth laid bare

At Your rebuke, Lord

At the blast of breath from your nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me.

He drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

From my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of disaster,

But the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.

This is God’s response to His kids when we call out to Him.

So,

Maybe I’m still terrified. 

Those verses paint a scary picture.

But it’s a good picture.

Gods voice is booming…so much so it creates lightning and thunder.

It’s powerful. HE is powerful.

But He is Mighty on our behalf.

Maybe, in the similar way some people mistook my small voice for small ideas…small value.  Perhaps, I shrink unnecessarily away from God because I don’t understand the reason underneath His loud voice.

He comes swiftly….loudly…aggressively. 

He is those things FOR me.

His delight in me produces a relentless pursuit that is beautiful.

O, Lord, help me hear You.

Help me not push away.

Help me brave enough to use my tiny little voice to share what lays hidden in my heart.

The things you already know but long to hear the way I say it…

Just like I love to watch my sweet friends laugh.

Allow me to know as I open my mouth to speak that you are warring for my good. 

You are quick to my rescue.

You long to hold me.

To support me.

To delight in me.

Please help me speak.

Please help me believe You.

Sincerely,

Crystal